Take out a journal.
1. Watch the scene for my sample scene analysis
2. Watch again
3. Watch again without sound
What film mechanics (acting, editing, camera work, music) popped out to you?
Be specific as you reference them in your second paragraph. Don't just say: The camera then goes to an eye-level shot. Then it goes to a long shot.
Use strong action verbs
Describing the composition of the scene involves describing WHAT you see in the clearest way possible.
Compare your 1st paragraph to mine.
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